How bad could it be?
Day 3: Follow-up son Eric ODs on “a bunch of blow and other stuff” according to the White House press corps. while watching all five seasons of Ally McBeal in reverse order to see the plot unfold as it was intended (the subtext is Calista Flockhart is a kind of female Dorian Gray) in the Lincoln Bedroom. Eric was found unconscious in the arms of a woman who identified herself as Tatiana and gave investigators this address: 536 W 28th St, New York, NY 10001— which is actually SCORES, NY — as her permanent home.
Day 5: News surfaces that Eric Trump wanted to get some quality time in the Lincoln Bedroom before the Trump White House officially sold the property to Spearmint Rhino and equipped it with three tanning beds and a mini fridge full of Kirkland Trump Champagne. Lincoln “so loved people of color,” president Trump said as justification for the installation of the tanning beds. He did not mention Eric ever again, other than alluding to the loss with the following, “You all saw Eric, I sacrificed much much more in business” in a press release.
Day 7: In the wake of Eric Trump’s memorial, paperwork was filed immediately by Trump’s legal counsel adopt Scott Disick …in hopes that no one would notice the difference.
Day 19: Giant stripper pole installed in Oval Office.
Day 20: Trump denies allegations that he put a stripper pole in the nation’s highest office. Instead, he claims it is a “magnificent bronze tribute to our first responders.”
Day 23: Screenwriter Aaron Sorkin retained to write fact-free pilot for a Netflix-optioned series Trump’s America: Season One.
Day 24: Sorkin quits after first day, claims Trump had a hard time with that walking-and-talking thing.
Day 25: Plans for scripted show scrapped, Kris Jenner and Ryan Seacrest brought in to pitch White House-themed reality show which is described as a mash-up between Joe Millionaire and American Gladiator…staged with an elaborate America-themed gauntlet obstacle course set erected on the White House lawn, built, in Trump’s words “Mostly by white people, not slaves.”
Day 27: Dana White brought on to consult on reality show, says he wants a “Spartan Race-style component” to every bill that passes through Congress. Trump tweets his approval.
Day 32: Newly minted Secretary of State Scott Baio and cabinet member Willie Aames get the green lit for actual “Zapped!” research. The nation’s top scientific minds are told to stop wasting time making stuff up about climate change and charged with getting down to the business of figuring out how to use telekinesis to make women’s clothes fly off their bodies without their consent. And also to, “then figure out how to immediately bang them — which is the missing thing,” Trump tweeted.
Day 38: Ken Richardson, the Southwest Texas regional manager for Dave & Buster’s who donated $1,209 in D&J gift cards to Trump campaign, promptly named “Night Shift Manager” of the EPA — immediately starts charging for ranch and refills on all the agency’s documentation which, he said in a press release, will “slow down me having to read all these fucking studies.”
Day 43: Trump joins Vlad Putin and Attorney General Kid Rock aboard Air Force One en route to Cabo, because why the fuck not? After watching the original “Red Dawn” and midget bowling into a pile of empty Fireball bottles, the trio decides Trump can play the part Cuban suppressor, Col. Ernesto Bella after losing thumb war to Putin over who gets to play Russian army head Strelnikov. Trump immediately begins to grow orangish comb over long enough to cover upper lip. Kid Rock takes a snap of Putin smokin’ a Philly Blunt and captions it, “The Original American Cowboy.”
Day 51: Entertainment Czar James Woods green lit for production of “The Hard Way” parts 2 through 7. When Trump and Woods find out the state of Michael J. Fox’s medical condition, the pair spend the entirety of a press conference making fun of people with Parkinson’s.
Day 57: Dept. of Homeland Security head Ted Nugent declares a war on all endangered species and puts together a ragtag team of big-game hunters including that dentist guy who took down that threat Cecil the Lion and this cheerleader from Texas Tech to go on a worldwide hunt for the rarest of animals for Trump’s “Whitehouse Trophy Room” (formerly the China Room. Note: All China plates from every presidential family were destroyed inauguration night by Barron Trump and his BB gun.) Trump calls for killing off of all endangered animals “who are obsolete. So counterproductive we are doing them a favor.” He also adds Angela Merkel to his “Kill Sheet.”
Day 63: Chris Christie takes over Michelle Obama’s Let’s Move! healthy schools initiative and immediately brokers a deal with Yum! Brands. All schools named after activists or Democratic presidents starting with “all the JFK schools” are rounded up and re-branded as Pizza Hut Expresses.
Day 68: Duck Commander agrees to a $280 million licensing fee in exchange for its duck call becoming the new national anthem. “This is a great deal. The old one had too many words nobody could remember and nobody was making any money off it,” Trump tweets.
Day 71: INS head David Duke makes headlines for complaining about the low thread count for the new hooded sheet uniforms worn by border patrol agents. Trump promises to get “Mar-a-Lago-quality” sheets, “the best sheets” for the guards and defends the uniform choice as “overall less offensive” than the “heebejabs” worn by recently exported former TSA agents.
Day 78: NASA “Head Bad-ass” (he got to make up his own title) Billy Bob Thornton, “He was magnificent as a cripple in ‘Armageddon,’ he’s going to do a great job with the rockets” kickstarts space program with plans to blow up the fucking moon. Trump praises the project saying, 1) “We never went to the moon or proved that there is one, so nobody will miss it.” And 2) “It’ll stop all the PMS from happening.”
Day 82: ISIS beheads recently adopted son Scott Disick. Trump makes fun of them for only getting 382 views.
Day 85: White House gift shop replaced by store called DC Vapes. A Washington Post investigation reveals the store ownership was filed in the name of Tiffany Trump.
Day 88: American/Mexico border wall building project is outsourced to China. “They’re great at building walls — they’re the best at it …And we got a great deal.”
Day 90: Ted Cruz escapes from Guantanamo Bay “The Rock” style and plans military coup with the help of Sean Connery and Nicolas Cage.
Day 91: Cory Booker colonizes Haiti. Overnight, 250 million people apply for citizenship.
Day 93: Aaron Sorkin returns to the White House to pitch Trump a live interactive Broadway show based on “The Purge” films which Trump believes are documentaries. Trump says the show will “break all Broadway records and make Hamilton look like the phony he is.”
Day 95: Attorney General Kid Rock sues big pharma for “making him an addict,” Wheel of Fortune for “being too hard” and the “makers of TV show The Jeffersons” for “giving black people false hope.”
Day 100: Soviet Union suffers worst wheat harvest in 55 years. Labor and food riots in Poland. Soviet troops invade. Cuba and Nicaragua reach troop strength goals of 500,000. El Salvador and Honduras fall. Green Party gains control of German Parliament. Demands withdrawal of nuclear weapons from European soil. Mexico plunged into revolution. NATO dissolves. United States stands alone. World War III ensues. Trump notes in tweet to @BadVlad “That’s exactly what they said would happen in “Red Dawn!!!” Crazy!” before escaping to underground bunker.
Andrew J. Pridgen is the author of “Burgundy Upholstery Sky,” and — if you couldn’t already tell — is currently watching a lot of “Red Dawn” in preparation.